Poetry and Prose

I ain't one for poetry...ain't one for prose
Ain't one for the scent of a springtime rose
But there is one fact that I do know
I sure get a kick out of that Beavis and Butt-Head show

One day I turn my TV on, what is it I do see?
Two crazy ass cartoon sonsabitches starin' on back at me
I said "What the hell's this?" Ler said, "Boy, don't you know?
The whole world's gone crazy over that there Beavis and Butt-Head show!"

Talk about couch fishin', now I could go for that
I been goin' for frog baseball, but I'm inclined to use a cat
On comedy I'm a Stooges man, I like Larry, Curly & Moe,
But now and then I get a chuckle watchin' the Beavis and Butt-Head show

Stone Temple Pearl-vana Chains, now there's a helluva band.
They've got that original ole sound that's sweepin' 'cross the land.
They ain't no ZZ Top though; that's the band for me
If I had my way, MTV'd play just them and AC/DC.

I ain't nothing special, I'm your average kind of man
I like a frosty barley-pop and I drink 'em out the can
I give a rat's ass about poetry not a damn about prose
I sure do get a kick out of them Beavis and Butt-Head shows!

Lyrics contributed by Jason Rush and Ler.

Hello Skinny (The Residents)

Skinny was born in a bathtub
And grew so incredibly thin,
That even the end of an eyedropper
Sucked him in;

Skinny never knew any questions
And Skinny never looked at lights,
But Skinny sold something
Every single night.

Skinny sold a soldier to me
Skinny sold a wife,
Skinny sold a suction cup
And a knife.
Skinny found a "Hello Dolly"
Record in the hall.
He sold it to a truck driver
In the fall.

Mephisto and Kevin

In 1986, the university of California at Davis saw two of its all-time
brightest stars, Dr.. Alphonz Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Apesacrappin.
Dr. Mephisto worked hard toward his thesis.  His goal was to
genetically duplicate the DNA structure of asparagus so that all
asparagus would grow to the same girth and length giving asparagus a
much more pleasant presentation in the world's supermarket vegetable
bins.  Dr.  Apesacrappin's goal was to genetically create the greatest
musical entertainer the world had ever seen. Dr. Apesacrappin knew
that if he could assemble the right emelents he could theoretically
build the DNA structure that would assure his creation of talent far
surpassing the average individual.  At the time one subject of urban
myth was the story that Michael Jackson in an effort to retain his
youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics had his testicles
surgically removed, thereby making him a modern-day castrato.  If such
a rumor was true, Michael Jackson more than likely would have had some
of his semen preserved before the surgery to ensure the future of his
name and lineage. Word came back to Dr.  Apesacrappin of a secret
cold-storage locker deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center
that not only contained four containers of frozen semen but also held
a pair of testicles, each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson".


I once heard a noise in the night
The most sensual voice
A song of love from an angelic boy
stuck in my head
and this is what he said,

I am gopher boy
pondering reality
I am gopher boy
who will buy my rasberries?

This had to be the seed of the king of pop.  Dr. Apesacrappin was able
to use his charm and ???? features to woo a young lab technician by
the name of Jennifer, who of course just happened to have the proper
access needed to obtain a small vial of the precious semen.  The
search for the egg was a short one.  Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad in
the classified section of an LA music magazine.  The ad read: "WANTED:
Unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment.  Donors must have
musical background."  With a plethora of young, eager, wanna-be
musical starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors, after
rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased.  Dr. Apesacrappin felt
that it would be far less complicated legally if the fetus was brought
to term in the womb of a non-human.  He had long since secured the
services of the university volleyball mascot, a llama by the name of
Missy.  When the baby was ready, lthe child was removed via Caesarian.
It was a healthy baby boy.  He was named Kevin.


Kevin was a beautiful child.  Dr. Apesacrappin saw to it that Kevin
was trained by the best in all aspects of performing.  His voice was
golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked.  He moved
with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three.  As
Kevin grew with his talent, Dr. Apesacrappin started noticing odd
developments in his physical state.  When Kevin lost his baby teeth,
his secondaries came in with a vengeance.  They were at least twice
the size of a normal adult's and the two in front stuck nearly
straight out.  Also, as Kevin reached his eighth year he was the same
height as he was when he was four.  To top it off he was growing hair
all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult standards.  It also
dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing Kevin
sing, he rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate through various
grunts and gurgles.


Others were noticing the changes in Kevin.  Children began to tease
him.  They called him "Gopher Boy".  One day, a bully by the name of
Big Roy started throwing bananas at him.  Soon, a crowd of kids were
all throwing bananas.  Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Roy and
bit three fingers off of his left hand.  Kevin was taken away and
placed in the custody of the state. Dr. Apesacrappin's action was
found out, but because there was no legislation concerning the genetic
construction of another human being, no criminal charges were brought
forth.  The Medical Association's Board of Ethics stripped him of all
his credentials and his reputation was ruined.  In fact, his name
became so synonymous with failure, that for years to come students
around the world were known to say at times of mishap to say "Damn, I
feel just like Apesacrappin!"

Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin.
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus, it
wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.
They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity.  Kevin
is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and
gurgles.  But on occasion, if you listen closely, you can hear his
sweet, golden singing voice ring out into the night over the small
town of South Park.


Lyrics contributed by Chris McCullough.

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